100 Ways To Order Pizza, Cullen Style
by The 5th Alice
Summary: What would happen of the Cullens try 100 ways to order pizza? Alice and Bella gain a pet unicorn, Esme spaces out constantly, Jasper meditates, and Alice's fashion sense is outrageous!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This is my first story! I hope you like it! Sorry if it's bad, I usually don't write stories. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything, so don't ask!**

Chapter 1

"Hey! Anybody want to do something fun?" Emmet shouted as he barged into the room. Everyone turned to look at him with a bored look.

"It depends on what it is," Edward replied.

"Well, I was looking up random junk on the computer and I found a list of 100 ways to order pizza. I was thinking that maybe we could try them. You know, just to do it," Emmet told them. He walked over to the couch and sat down, looking at everybody and waiting for an answer.

"How about we take a vote?" Alice suggested, "Everyone who wants to do it raise their hand."

Bella, Alice, Emmet, Carlisle, and Esme raised their hands.

"Everyone who doesn't want to do it raise their hands," Bella said.

Rosalie, Jasper, and Edward raised their hands.

"Ha! Majority rules!" Emmet shouted at them. Edward rolled his eyes and stood up.

"Well, let's get this over with," Jasper said.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Thank you to everyone who has read my story! It makes me happy to see that people are actually reading my story!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything, so don't ask!**

Chapter 2

"Okay, so is everybody ready?" Emmet asked the group. They were sitting in a circle on the floor, the phone in the middle. Alice, Bella, Esme, and Carlisle nodded their heads while Jasper, Rosalie, and Edward just sat there.

"Alrighty then. So the first thing on the list is 'If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that,'" Emmet told the group, "Who wants to do this one?" Alice raised her hand. Emmet gave the phone to her and she dialed Marco's Pizza.

"Hello, this is Marco's, how may I help you?"

"Hi, I would like a _Beep! Beep! Beep! _pizza, please."

"I'm sorry, ma'am, would you please repeat that?"

"Sure. I said I would like a _Beep! Beep! Boop! Beep! _pizza."

"Ma'am, would you please stop pressing buttons while you order?"

"Why are you asking me? YOU are the one who is pressing the buttons."

"I have no clue what you are talking about, I am not pressing any buttons."

"You are so rude! Pinning blame on the customer! I cannot believe you! I'll just take my services somewhere else! _Click!_" With that, Alice hung up.

"Ha ha ha! Nice one, Alice! Ha ha ha!"Bella laughed.

"What are you laughing about? That man was very rude to pin the blame on me!" Alice pouted, making Bella laugh harder.

"He he he….. Why aren't you guys laughing?" Bella asked the group.

"Because you are the only one who finds this hilarious. We just find it amusing," Edward replied.

"Oh, well then," Bella stopped laughing and looked away from the group, "That was awkward…"

**A/N: Keep looking for new chapters of this! I'm going to try to have a chapter for each thing. It might be hard, so I'm not sure.**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Woohoo! Another chapter!**

**Disclaimer: Do I even have to say it?**

Chapter 3

"Okay," Emmett said, "the second thing on the list is, 'Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.' Anybody want it?" Jasper raised his hand. "Jasper! You really want to do this one?"

"I wouldn't have raised my hand otherwise, Emmett."  
>"That's true. Well, here's the phone, I guess…" Emmett handed Jasper the phone.<p>

"Who should I call?" Jasper asked.

"How about….Domino's?" Rosalie suggested.

"Okay," He dialed Domino's.

"Hello, Domino's here. How may I help you?"

"I would like a pepperoni pizza, please."

"Okay, that will be $5.59. Will that be cash or credit?"

"Do you accept Fang-card?"

"Umm, Fang-card?"

"Yes, Fang-card. Do you accept it?"

"I'm not even sure if that is a real card, so I'm going to have to say no."

"Oh well! I guess I'll just have to take my business somewhere that does."

"Good luck with that."

"Good bye. Have a nice day. _Click!" _Jasper hung up and handed the phone back to Emmett.

"Fang-card, nice," Emmett said to Jasper.

"What? I had to think of something on the spot," Jasper defended himself.

"Dude, I'm not making fun of you,"

"Sure you aren't, sure."


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: So far, writing this has been fun!**

**Disclaimer: Sadly, I don't own Twilight .**

Chapter 4

"Okay, number three on the list is, 'Use CB lingo where applicable,'" Emmett said.

"What's the CB lingo?" Esme asked.

"I have no clue. Does anybody know what it is?" Emmett asked. Everybody shook their heads. "Well then I guess we skip it. Number four is 'Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal'. I **have** to do this one!"

"Go for it," Edward said. Emmett dialed Feliciano's Original Italian Pizza Parlor.

"Hello, Feliciano's. How may I help you?"

"Hi, could I get a Big Mac Extra Value Meal?"

"I'm sorry, but this is Feliciano's, no McDonald's."

"So. I want a Big Mac Extra Value Meal!"

"Again, we don't **have** a Big Mac Extra Value Meal. That is McDonald's that has it. This is **Feliciano's**."

"Humph! I guess I'll just have to take my business elsewhere!"

"Have a nice day sir."

"You too, I guess. _Click!_" Emmett hung up. "So, what did you guys think?"

"It was funny," Bella told him.

"What she said," Everyone else said at the same time.

"Jinks!" Alice shouted, "All of you owe me a soda!"


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Thank you people who added this story to your Story Alert!**

**Disclaimer: Do I own Twilight?**

***Person in back of crowd shouts no***

Chapter 5

"Number five on the list is, 'Terminate the call with 'Remember, we never had this conversation'' Edward, you get this one!" Emmett said.

"Why me?" Edward asked.

"Because you are always so serious, that's why!" Emmett shoved the phone into Edward's hands.

"Uhh… Who should I call?" Edward asked Rosalie.

"Why are you asking me?" She asked him.

"Because we haven't heard you talk yet."

"Okay, how about Pizza Hut?"

"We haven't bothered them yet," Carlisle pointed out.

"Pizza Hut it is!" Edward said and dialed Pizza Hut.

"Pizza Hut, how may I help you?"

"Hi, I would like a sardine pizza please."

"That will be $10.05. Is this cash or credit?"

"Credit. And remember, we never had this conversation!_ Click!_" Edward hung up.

"So? How did I do?" Edward asked.

"Perfect!" Bella shouted.

"Of course YOU would say that, Bella. It was pretty good," Rosalie told him. Everyone else nodded their heads in different levels of enthusiasm.

"At least I got it over with," Edward said. He wiped away "sweat" from his forehead and let out a relieved breath. Everyone started cracking up.

**A/N: Sorry if this took long! I honestly don't remember the last time I updated, so I can't say if I took long or not.**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Sorry this one took longer than the others! My sister kept hogging the computer '-_-. That and my internet was down.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, sadly.**

Chapter 6

"Number six on the list is, 'Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder'. Esme? Your turn." Emmett said.

"Huh? Oh! Okay," Esme said while grabbing the phone. She dialed Amy's Pizza.

"Hello, Amy's Pizza. How may I help you?"

"Hi, I have Veto's and Royal's on the other line and I'm going with the lowest bidder."

"Ahh, forget it. Let those two idiots have at it. _Click!_" Amy's hung up. Esme stared at the phone in shock.

"They hung up on me! They hung up on me!" Esme shouted.

"They hung up on you?" Alice said in disbelief.

"Ya! Should I try a different pizza place?" Esme asked nobody in particular.

"Sure, see if you get a different response," Jasper told her.

"Okay then," Esme said and dialed Veto's.

"Veto's, how may I help you?"

"I have Royal's on the other line and I'm going with the lowest bidder. The starting point is $10."

"$8!"

"Royal's says $5."

"How about $2!"

"They say free."

"Two free pizzas!"

"They say two free pizzas and a 2 litter Coke."

"**Three** free pizzas, a 2 liter Coke, and $10!"

"You win."

"Yes! I'll be there right away! _Click!_" They hung up.

"All right, Esme!" Carlisle said.

"Go Esme!" Alice shouted. Everyone did the fist-pump of awesomeness.

"Awesomeness!" Everyone shouted at the same time.

"Jinx!" Alice shouted, "Another soda is owed." Alice stood up and bowed to the rest of the family.

"Not again," Edward muttered.

**A/N: Tell me if I spelled anything wrong! I'm not that great of a speller, so thank God for spell check.**


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: *sigh* Why does my mother's computer do this to me? *Says dramatically* Why? WHY?

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, for the last. Friggin. Time!

Chapter 7

"So, number seven is, 'Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up,'" Emmett told the group, "Who waaaannnnttt?"

"Nobody waaaannnnttt, Emmett," Rosalie said, "but I will do it, seeing as to how I don't think I've done one yet." She reached for the phone, but Emmett grabbed it and put it behind his back.

"Emmett!" Rosalie said angrily.

"You can have the phone if, and only if, you ask nicely," He told her.

"Fine, may I please have the phone?" She asked Emmett. Emmett got a look on his face that looked like he was thinking.

"Hmmmm...sure," Emmett answered Rosalie and handed her the phone. Rosalie glared at Edward.

"Why the hell are you glaring at me?" Edward asked.

" 'Cause you are sitting next to him and you didn't get the phone from him," Rosalie replied plainly. Edward rolled his eyes. Rosalie dialed Papa John's.

"Hello, this is Papa John's, how may I help you?"

Rosalie gave the pizza man her address.

"Okay, miss, but what kind of pizza do you want?"

"Oh, just surprise me!"

"Surprise you?"

"Yes, surprise me! And don't worry, I'm not allergic to anything. Click!" She hung up, "Now, we wait."

"For...?" Jasper asked.

"Jasper, she means wait for the pizza man," Carlisle told him.

~10 minutes later~

Ding-dong!

"I'll get it! You know, because I ordered it," Rosalie yelled while walking to the door. She opened the door to the pizza man.

"You told me to surprise you, so I got you a meat lover's pizza," The pizza man said.

"Thank you!" Rosalie told the pizza man and took the pizza.

"That'll be $!10-" Rosalie slammed the door in the pizza guy's face. Knock, knock, knock! Rose opened the door again.

"Whaaatah!" She said irritably.

"Ummm... You have to pay for the pizza...?"

"Are you asking me if I have to pay?"

"Yes?"

"Then no, I don't have to pay" Rose slammed the door in his face again. She waited by the door until she heard his car drive away then she walked back to the group with the pizza.

A/N: I thought the chapter was too short, so I made Rose and the others wait for the pizza man. Hope you liked it! 


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: I have nothing to say.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, or the pizza places, or the 100 ways to order pizza. That is a list on the Internet.**

Chapter 8

Everyone stared at Jacob with a grossed-out expression on his or her face. Well, everyone except Bella, who was used to his eating habits.

"This pizza is great!" Jacob exclaimed, "I can't believe Rose got it for free!" Rosalie now regretted getting the pizza in the first place.

"Anywaaay….." Emmett said, "Number eight on the list is, 'Answer their questions with questions.' Who gets it?" Everyone looked at Jacob. He looked up from the pizza he was shoving down his throat.

"Wha? Is it my turn?" He asked.

"Jacob, when did you get here anyway?" Edward asked him.

"I've been here the whole time, dumbass," Jacob replied. Edward held you his hands innocently and Emmett tossed Jacob the phone. Jacob missed and the phone hit his eye. Everybody but Jacob laughed.

"Ha ha ha, so very funny," Jacob said sarcastically and snatched the phone from where it was. He thought for a moment, then dialed Little Caesar's.

"Hello, Little Caesar's, how many I help you?"

"Hi, what sizes do you have for pizzas?"

"Uhh, small, medium, and large."

"I will have a small."

"What toppings do you want on that?"

"What toppings do you have?"

"We have cheese, pepperoni, mushroom, ham, beef, peppers, onions, chicken, anchovies, and I think that that's it."

"Hmm… I will have cheese, pepperoni, and mushroom on my pizza."

"Okay, will that be cash or credit?"

"How about credit?"

"Is that what you are using?"

"Is that what you want me to use?"

"Are you answering my questions with questions?"

"Am I?"

"Are you doing 100 ways to order pizza?"

"Do you think I am?"

"Yes, and because of that I'm going to hang up now…_Click!_"

"Okay! Bye! _Click!_" Jacob hung up.

"Again! They hung up on us again! Oh, when I get my hands on that little punk…" Emmett ranted.

"Emmett, we are NOT going to strangle the order-taker," Carlisle told him.

A/N: So, what did you think? R&R, please!


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Happy 4****th**** of July!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything…..**

Chapter 9

"Why can't I strangle the order taker?" Emmett asked Carlisle.

"Do you want to go to jail?" Carlisle asked him.

"No, I guess not… On with the list, right? Right. Number nine is, 'In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.' Who gets it?" Emmett pointed to Carlisle and tossed him the phone. Carlisle reached up and caught it.

"Little high there, don't you think?" Carlisle said. He dialed Cece's.

"Hello, Cece's Pizza. How may I help you?"

"Cut the crap. Do you have anything outlandishly sinful?" Carlisle told the order taker in his breathiest voice.

"Are you sure you don't want a veggie pizza instead? No offence, but you sound severely overweight."

"I'm not overweight! I'm just big-boned….."

"Okay, so one veggie pizza?"

"No! Something outlandishly sinful!"

"Okay, that'll be $10.95."

"I'm paying in cash."

"Okay, you're veggie pizza will be there in a few minutes! _Click!_" The pizza man hung up quickly.

"Really? Seriously? Again? Screw it, I'm gonna go off on 'im." Rosalie said.


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: R.I.P. In loving memory of my precious laptop.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything…..**

Chapter 10

"Rose,"

"When I get my hands on that little…"

"Rose,"

"He's gonna regret ever…"

"Rose!"

"What?"

"Calm down!" Carlisle told her.

"Change of subject!" Emmett shouted, "Number ten on the list is, 'Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.'"

"I'll take it," Bella offered. Emmett chucked the phone at her head, but she caught it just in time. "Emmett?"

"Yes?"

"Don't," she dialed Bambino's Pizza.

"Hello, Bambino's, how may I help you?"

"A robust hello to you!"

"Uhh…."

"I'll have cheese pizza delivered to my Ukrainian palace."

"Okay….That will be $10.98.

"Do you have a more cost-efficient price?"

"What?"

"You are a very free-spirited man!"

"Uhhh….."

"Puce is a word."

"_Click!_"

Bella put down the phone. "They hung up…..again!" Steam was practically pouring from Rosalie's ears.

"Why I ought to….." Rose started. Emmet, Edward, and Carlisle quickly picked her up and shoved her in the closet. Emmett locked the door and leaned against it.

"This should keep her contained for a little bit," Jasper said.

"Let me the hell out of here!" Rose yelled.

"NO!" Everyone said at once.

"Jinx!" Alice yelled, "That's…-counts on fingers-…three sodas!"

Everyone groaned.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: I'm now officially 13! Birfday was on the 17****th ****.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything…..**

Chapter 11

"I'm going to win, I hope you know that,"

"Oh, but you're wrong. For I am the one who will win."

"Sure you will, sure. Just keep telling yourself that," She blew into Alice's eyes. Alice blinked.

"Dammit!"

"Ha! I told you I would win!" Bella bragged. Alice sat there and pouted.

"Well, if that is over, then number eleven on the list is, 'Tell them to put the crust on top this time'" Emmett said, "Whose turn is it? Esme? I think it is!" He tossed Esme the phone.

"Who should I dial?"

"Hungry Howie's," Edward suggested.

"Okay," Esme dialed them.

"Hello, Hungry Howie's, how may I be of help?"

"Hi, could I get a cheese pizza?"

"Sure, that will b-"

"But can you put the crust on top this time?"

"Put the crust on top?"

"Yes."

"So you want me to send you an upside-down pizza?"

"No, I just want the crust on top."

"We can't do that. Sorry miss."

"Fine. _Click!_" She hung up.

"Can I get out of this closet now?" Rosalie asked.

"Sure," Emmett said and let her out.

"Thank you. It's hot in there,"

"How is it hot in there?" Bella asked.

"All of the coats," She told her.

**A/N: Sorry these are updated so far apart! I now have to wait a week until I can write these. Then I have to wait until I'm actually allowed on the computer. '-.-**


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: I hate global warming. It makes summers ten times hotter!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything…**

Chapter 12

"I just realized something."

"What is it, Jake?"

"We order the pizzas, but we never get them."

"That's because we don't give them our address or we hang up on them or they hang up on us," Edward told him, "So don't expect any pizzas!"

"FINE! Can we get on with the list?"

"Okay, so number twelve on the list is, 'Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's 'Master of Puppets' CD.' I get this one!" Emmett shouted.

"Why you?" Alice asked.

"'Cause I am an awesome singer."

"Uhh, sure you are."

"I am!" Emmett said, "Now, who to bug…who to bug…I got it! Brother's! Now what songs are on the Master of Puppets CD?" Alice got on google.

"Battery, Master of Puppets, Things That Should Not Be, Welcome Home, Disposable Heroes, Leper Messiah, Orion, Damage Inc." She told him.

"Put on Orion," Emmett said. Alice played it so he could get the tune. "Got it!" He dialed Brother's.

"Hello, Brother's, how may I help you?"

"Hi," Emmett started singing to the tune, "I would like a triple-cheese with anchovies on top and garlic flavored crust!"

The order taker mimicked him. "Alright, that will be $11! Cash or credit?"

Emmett stopped singing. "Cash and I would like you to stop copying me."

"Okay, and your address is…?"

"_Click!_" He hung up, "Ya, like a really want a pizza!"

"You're not THAT great a singer…" Alice mumbled.

"Sure I'm not, sure."

**A/N: Thank you dazzleglo for the pizza place names! They will be helpful!**


	13. Chapter 13

A/N: Sorry that I haven't updated in forever! I've been in Indiana this past week and my cousin's computer was broken.

**Disclaimer: I wouldn't be writing this if I owned Twilight or any pizza places.**

Chapter 13

"Number 13 on the list is, 'Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.'" Emmett said. He chucked the phone at Jake's head. "Your turn." Jake caught the phone.

"I'd rather have the phone NOT chucked at my head, 'kay? Now, who should we mess with…" Jake pondered.

"How about LaRocca's?" Alice suggested. He dialed LaRocca's.

"Hello, LaRocca's. How may I help you?"

"Hi, I would like a P-E-P-P-E-R-O-N-I and M-U-S-H-R-O-O-M pizza please."

"Okay. Will that be cash or credit?"

"Cash." Jake then gave the address.

"Your P-E-P-P-E-R-O-N-I and M-U-S-H-R-O-O-M pizza will be there shortly. Have a nice day! _Click!_"

"Okay bye! _Click!_" Jake pouted, "That guy copied me."

"He copied me when I sang. So, don't feel bad, we've both been copied." Emmett told him.

"Well, at least now I will get a pizza…"

~5 minutes later~

_Knock knock!_

"I WILL GET IT!" Jake shouted and opened the door. "Thanks for the pizza." He tossed the money at the pizza guy and slammed the door.

"There was no reason for you to slam the door in that guys face, Jake," Bella told him, "He didn't do anything wrong." Jake shrugged

"Well, I got my pizza AT LONG LAST!" He then opened the pizza and devoured it.

**A/N: Woo! Jake got his pizza!**


	14. Chapter 14

A/N: I'm writing a new story! It's called 'Just Another Naruto Story'. I hope you read it! I named it and uploaded it before I realize that there are about 3 other stories with that name. '-.-

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight…or any pizza places…dang! I don't own ANYTHING! –sniffle-**

Chapter 14

Everyone stared at Jake with disgusted facial expressions. Jake was literally stuffing his face with pizza.

"Jake, that is so gross," Bella said, "We would appreciate it if you stopped." Jake swallowed what was in his mouth.

"How is it gross?" He asked.

"There is pizza sauce on your forehead," Bella told him, "Can we get on with the list?"

"Number 14 on the list is, 'Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread"'. Who gets it? Esme, I think you do!" Emmett said

"Wha-?" Esme said, snapping out of her daydreaming, "Is it my turn?" She asked, grabbing for the phone. She dialed Denino's.

"Hello, Denino's. How may I be of assistance?"

"Hi, I would like a cheese pizza and an order of craaaazyyy breeeeaad." Esme said 'crazy bread' weirdly.

"…..okaaaay? Cash or cr- _Click!_" Esme had hung up on him. She handed the phone back to Emmett.

"Esme?" Bella asked. Esme looked at her. "Why did you hang up on him?"

"Because I don't want a pizza and, frankly, I don't really want to go through all the motions of ordering a pizza," Esme told Bella and turned back to the window. Everyone just stared at her.

**A/N: I know it's short, but I just couldn't really thing of anything for this one.**


	15. Chapter 15

A/N: It's late and I should be going to bed. But I can't stop writing! I'm on a roll today!

**Disclaimer: -growls-**

Chapter 15

Bella was giggling. Esme was annoyed. "I'd appreciate it if you would stop poking my arm, Bella." She told the giggling idiot. Bella shook her head. Esme sigh and looked back out the window. "Just get on with the list," she said.

"Okay, number 15 on the list id, 'Stutter on the letter 'p'.'" Emmett told them and tossed the phone at Rosalie, "Your turn, babe." Rosalie rolled her eyes. It was obvious that she wanted nothing to do with this. She dialed Paesano's.

"Hello? Paesano's, how may I help you?"

"I would like a p-p-p-pepperoni p-p-p-p-p-pizza, p-p-p-please."

"Uhh….yes ma'am. One pepperoni pizza."

"Thank you. Could you p-p-p-please deliver that p-p-pizza, p-p-p-p-p-pronto?"

"Sure. Cash or credit?"

"Cash."

"That will be $10. Thank you, we will be there soon. And where do you li- _Click!_" Rosalie hung up on him. Bella stared at her. Alice blinked. Emmett sighed. Edward was trying to contain laughter for some odd reason…_Is this really what my family has come to?_ Rosalie thought to herself. Esme stared out the window. Carlisle was gone. Jasper was…meditating? What? Rosalie sighed. _This is going to be a looooong night…_

A/N: I know. I know. Everyone is so out of it. It's meant to be that way. Why? 'Cause I felt like it.


	16. Chapter 16

A/N: Something really weird is going to happen in this chapter. What is going to happen you ask? You'll just have to find out!

**Disclaimer: Do you wan to make me cry?**

Chapter 16

"Jasper. Jasper. Jasper. Jasper. Jaspy. Jaspy. Jaspy. Jasp. Jasp. Jasp. JASPER LOOK A JELLYFISH!" Bella shouted, trying to get his attention.

"What, Bella? Can't you see I'm trying to meditate?" Jasper asked in annoyance. Bella giggled again. Jasper sighed. "Let's go on with the list."

"Okay! And there was no jellyfish, just FYI. Number 16 on the list in, 'Ask for a deal available somewhere else.'" Emmett told them and tossed the phone at Bella, "You seem most likely to pull this off, Bella." Bella caught the phone and pouted, taking Emmett's comment as a bad thing. She stuck her tongue out at him and dialed Val's.

"Hello. Val's how may I hep you?"

"Hep? You mean help?"

"Yes, hep! Hep! Hep! Hep! How may I hep you!" Bella was trying to contain laughter at this point.

"I would like a Cheeser! Cheeser! Please."

"I sorry, we do not have a 'Cheeser! Cheeser!' That must be somewhere else."

"No, it's here. I read it in your menu. Don't you read the menu?"

"Of coarse I read the menu! I work here! I swear that there is no such thing here. It HAS to be at another place."

"No. I swear on my pink sparkly pet unicorn that it is HERE."

"…..pink sparkly pet unicorn? That's it. You're crazy!" Bella gasped.

"How DARE you call me crazy! You've just lost a customer and my unicorn no longer likes you, you big meanie! _Click!_" Bella hung up and pouted. She started petting the air next to her. "It's okay Princess Sunshine. He didn't mean it. No, no, no. You ARE real." Everyone stared at her in shock. Carlisle had chosen that moment to walk back in the room and was now frozen in the doorway. Alice giggled.

"I want a pet unicorn! I want one! Me! Me! Me!" She shouted and ran over to Bella. They were both petting the 'unicorn' now. Everyone else gained an anime sweat drop.

A/N: UNICORNS! Have Alice and Bella gone completely insane? Or have I just lost my friggin' mind? Or both? R&R and tell me what you think!


	17. Chapter 17

A/N: Woo! Two chapters in one day!

**Disclaimer: If I owned Twilight, then Bella would be nuts and Alice would have MPD.**

Chapter 17

Bella was sitting in a corner, facing the wall. She was crying and Edward was trying to comfort her. Alice was doing the same thing in a different corner and Jasper was trying to get her to stop. Edward glared at Rosalie.

"I can't believe you told them that unicorns weren't real. Then you took a knife and stabbed their unicorn when they said otherwise! Only for you to find out that they were really petting a unicorn!" Edward said, gesturing to the now dead unicorn in the middle of their living room. Bella slowly turned towards Rose with a face that said 'I'm going to kill you'. Rose backed up and hid behind the couch.

"L-l-let's put this behind us a-a-and get on w-w-with the list, huh?" Rose suggested. Bella got up and skipped to her dead unicorn.

"Okay," she said in an overly cheerful voice. She then licked her pointer finger and pressed it down on the unicorn's eyeball. Princess Sunshine immediately got up and turned invisible again. Everyone stared in shock except for Bella and Alice. They were jumping up and down excitedly. Alice grabbed the list out of Emmett's hand.

"Number 17 on the list is, 'Ask what the order taker is wearing.' I call it! With my fashion sense, it's the only choice." Alice said, then she struck a pose. She had on her imp shirt and purple sparkly dragon pants. Her unicorn headband was bouncing up and down and her shoes looked like fish with wings. She grabbed the phone and dialed Nunzio's.

"Hello, Nunzio's. What kind of pizza are you interested in?"

"Hi, what are you wearing?"

"Uh…what am I wearing?"

"Yes. Now answer the question."

"I'm wearing a red shirt…and blue jeans."

"And your shoes? What shoes are you wearing?"

"Tennis shoes. Purple ones."

"What brand?"

"I don't know! The one brand. That's what kind!"

"Well, this will not do. I need to give you a complete makeover! Come over immediately so I can get started!" She gave him the address and hung up. She huffed and petted Princess Sunshine.

~10 minutes later~

"Aaaand there! All done!" Alice exclaimed and turned the pizza dude toward a mirror. The pizza dude screamed.

"What have you done with me?" He shouted. He had on a yellow shirt with a pink unicorn on the front, tiger-stripped shorts that went halfway down his thigh, and white Nikes. The only normal thing. He was also sporting an imp headband that made him look like he had pointy ears. Alice had tears in her eyes.

"You. Look. Amazing!" She exclaimed, bouncing happily. The pizza guy did not look happy.

"Can I change back into my old clothes?" He asked.

"NO! Now, get back to work." Alice told him and pushed him out the door.

A/N: Alice's fashion sense came from Bird That Flies At Dawn. I'm giving you credit, so don't sue me, C-a!


	18. Chapter 18

A/N: Poor Jeffery isn't feeling too well. He just threw up on my couch. T.T

**Disclaimer: -hold sword in front of me- Stay back, you lawyers!**

Chapter 18

"Okay, so number 18 on the list is-"

"He's my best friend, best of all best friends! Do you have a best friend, too? He tickles in my tummy, he's so yummy, yummy. Hey, you should get a best friend, too!" Bella and Alice started singing.

"Bella! Alice! Stop!" Emmett told them, he was getting annoyed with their constant interrupting, "Number 18 on the list is, 'Crack your knuckles into the receiver.' None of us can do that if we tried. So, let's skip it. Number 19 is, 'Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they've called you.' Bella and Alice, do you think you guys could do this one together?" Bella and Alice looked at each other then nodded. Emmett gave them the phone and they dialed Denino's. (A/N: Alice will be in bold and the pizza guy will be italicized.)

"_Hello, Denino's. How may I help you?" _Alice stayed silent for five seconds.

"Hello? Who is this?"

"I think he said that it was Denino's. So, his name must be Denino, Alice."

"Oh, right, right. Hi Denino! Why are you calling?"

"_Uhh…you called me, ma'am."_

"Oh, please, call her Alice and me Bella. May I ask how you got this number?"

"_Again, you guys called me. This is a pizza place."_

"Really? I've never heard of a pizza place! Could you tell me what it is?"

"Mother never let us talk to the outside world. We live in the basement, away from everyone else. What is pizza?"

"_Pizza is a food. It's dough and tomato sauce and cheese."_

"Ooo, sounds interesting. We have to go now, mother caught us. She's very mad at us. Goodbye."

"Goodbye, Denino! Nice meeting you! _Click!_" They hung up and smacked hi-5s. Rose was still behind the couch. Princess Sunshine neighed. Edward looked at them funny, as did Jasper, Emmett, and Carlisle. They shrugged and gave Emmett back the phone, feeling successful at confusing everyone.


	19. Chapter 19

A/N: I've already updated three times today, and it's only 6:36.

**Disclaimer: -hold sword in front of me- Stay back, you lawyers!**

Chapter 19

"Princess Sunshine wants a boyfriend."

"Well, I don't know what to tell her." Bella gave Edward a weird look.

"Princess Sunshine is a boy." She told him. He was no so confused.

"Number 19 on the list is, 'Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.' Edward! Your turn!" Emmett told him and threw the phone at him. Edward caught it and dialed Pepes.

"Hello. Pepes. How may I help you?"

"I would like a pepperoni pizza with crazy bread and cinnamon bread."

"Okay, would you like a drink with that?"

"A-a-a-a drink? I-I-I don't know! I w-w-wasn't prepared for this! Ahhhhhh! _Click!_" Edward hung up.

"Well that was fast." Bella commented, "What's that Princess Sunshine? You want a cookie? No? Oh! You want a candy-flavored candle! Okay!" She got up and grabbed a random candle and fed it to Princess Sunshine. _My family has gone completely insane!_ Rose thought to herself, but, of coarse, Edward heard.


	20. Chapter 20

A/N: Okay, this is the last chapter for today. After this, I'm going to work on my other story…possibly.

**Disclaimer: -hold sword in front of me- Stay back, you lawyers!**

Chapter 20

"Princess Sunshine wants a turn!" Bella exclaimed.

"Well, he can't have one." Edward told her. Bella gave him another weird look.

"Princess Sunshine is a girl," she told him. "Next on the list is…?"

"Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up." Emmett told her.

"I get this one!" Jake shouted and grabbed the phone and dialed La Bella's.

"Hello. La Bella's. How may I help you?" Jake sighed.

"Hi, I'm depressed. Will you cheer me up?"

"Oh! Of coarse! What would you like me to do?"

"Will you sing to me? The song 'Last Night, Good Night', please?"

"Sure. Your profile, dreaming peacefully, without i even realize,  
>these tears falls on my cheek, I'm trying to hide the heartbeats of my sorrow. Last night,Good night. Last night,Good night. this night, i hold your hand tight, and fall asleep<br>'good night' i think it would be wonderful if i can spend another morning with you even if that's only a mere hope miracle that i only imagine when i can't confess anything  
>i can't say 'good bye', too. Last night,Good night. Last night,Good night. even if this voice fades this melody shall not fades. Last night,Good night<br>Last night,Good night and when i think that the end will come someday in this night sky I pray for that smile to remain forever 'good night'." The pizza girl sang. Jake smiled. He didn't think that she would know the song, let alone the English lyrics.

"Thank you. You really made my day. I didn't think you would know the song, let alone the English lyrics."

"Yea, I'm a big fan. I'm glad that I brought you out of your funk. Have a nice day."

"You too, goodbye. _Click!_" Jake hung up, looking stunned. Bella and Alice poked him repeatedly on the arms while giggling.

"What's wrong, Jake?" Bella asked him. Jake shook his head and gave Emmett the phone back. Bella shrugged and petted Princess Sunshine.

A/N: "Last Night, Good Night" belongs to the Vocaloids and is sung by Hatsune Miku. It's a beautiful song and I highly recommend it.


	21. Author's Note

**Hey, it's The 5****th**** Alice. Sorry that I haven't updated in a while, I've been busy with school and sports and homework…then there's the babysitting thing and cleaning after school and band…but that's beside the point. What I'm trying to say is, sorry for not updating. But I have my reasons. 1) All the crap that I just listed 2) I'm at my dad's a lot now and he doesn't have a computer 'cause it broke and 3) I keep forgetting to take my flash drive with me when I DO go to someone's house with a computer…so, yea. That's all I wanted to say, so, bye I guess. ~The 5****th**** Alice**


	22. Chapter 21

A/N: Been working on the next chapter when I clicked this and realized that I wasn't even done with it…wow I'm dumb…

**Disclaimer: Disclaiming**

Chapter 21

"Number 22 on the list is- Princess Sunshine! Stop licking me!" Emmett told the invisible unicorn.

"That's not Princess Sunshine that's licking you. That's me!" Bella said, still licking Emmett's arm. Edward pulled her away and taped her to a chair. Emmett looked irked.

"As I was saying, number 22 on the list is, 'Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.'" Emmett scanned the group for a victim. He smiled, "Alice." Alice looked up from looking at the floor and grabbed the phone.

"Wait! Internet!" Alice shouted and ran to the computer. She looked up exotic cuisines and wrote them down (**A/N: The only thing I could find was fruit from Africa. So that's what all the names that will follow are.**). "Now I call the place." She said and dialed Big Cheese Pizzeria.

"Hello, Big Cheese. How can I help YOU?"

"Hello, I would like a pizza with Pepino Melon, Cherimoya, and Rambutan on it please!"

"Umm…I'm not sure what those are. Aren't they some types of African fruits?"

"Yup! And they are good! Put them on my pizza!"

"We can't do that."

"Aww! Why the heck not?"

"Because we don't HAVE them."

"Well then! I'll call some place that does! _Click!_" Alice hung up and put a finger to her chin, thinking.

"What are you thinking about, Alice?" Bella asked.

"Another pizza place that might have the African fruits." Alice stated. Emmett snatched the phone away from her before she dialed anyone else.

"I don't think so, Alice. For that to happen, you'd have to call Africa." He said. Alice pouted.

"Aww man! O well." She said and petted Princess Sunshine.

**A/N: Sorry it took so long to update! I have so many reasons why. Computer crashed, school, lost my flash drive (it has EVERYTHING on it), grounded, ect., ect. So, yea. Well, it's up now, so why does it matter, right? Right. On to a different story. (I am updating like crazy tonight!)**


	23. Chapter 22

A/N: Ugg…I have strep…greeaaat TT^TT

**Disclaimer: Disclaiming**

Chapter 22

"I…I…I forgot what I was going to say. Heh…" Bella said. She was riding Princess Sunshine to the kitchen for some food.

"Bella, you don't even like food," Edward said to her. She gave him the what-does-that-matter look and presumed her trip to the kitchen.

"Speaking of food! Pizza! It's going to be my turn this time. I want some pizza," Jake said. Emmett looked down at the list.

"Number… twenty-three. It is 'Change your accent every three seconds.'" He said. "You said you wanted a turn, Jake?" Emmett handed Jake the phone. Jake dialed Pronto Pizza Café.

"Hello, Pronto's Pizza. How may I help you?"

Jake started with an Italian accent, "Yes'a, I would'a like'a cheese pizza!"

"Okay, what size?"

Jake changed to an British accent, "I would like a large please."

"Didn't you just have a- never mind. Address?"

Jake changed to an Irish and gave the address.

"You keep changing accents. Whatever. 15 minutes at the least. _Click!_"

"I got hung up on." Jake stated in his normal voice.

~15 minutes later~

There was a knock on the door. Jake got up to answer it. He opened the door to see the pizza man.

"Here's your pizza, sir," The pizza dude said, handing over the pizza.

"Thanks, dude." Jake said in an American accent and handed the person the money. He closed the door. He walked back to the group and started stuffing his face with pizza.


	24. Chapter 23

A/N: I hate allergies…and the cold…and winter…

**Disclaimer: Disclaiming**

Chapter 23

Alice was close to Jasper's face, just staring at him. Jasper was trying to ignore her, but it's kind of hard to ignore a person when she's centimeters from your face.

"Alice, what are you doing?" Jasper asked her. Alice blinked and walked away.

"Okay then…" Emmett said, "Next on the list is, 'Order 52 pepperoni slices in a fra-"

_Knock! Knock!_

Renesmee walked over to the door, Jacob's beer bottle in hand. She opened it and looked up to see her grandfather. She immediately dropped the bottle and ran, slamming the door in the process. Charlie knocked on the door again. This time a timid Bella opened the door, holding Renesmee.

"Bella, why was Renesmee holding a beer bottle when she opened the door?" Charlie asked Bella.

"I have no clue what you are talking about," Bella told her father. He rolled his eyes. "Why are you here anyway Dad?" Charlie cleared his throat.

"I received a call from a pizza place saying that a person at this household prank-called them," Charlie told her.

"We did no such thing," Bella scoffed. Jake thought that was a good time to come over with his box of pizza.

"What's up Charlie?" He said threw a mouthful of pizza. Charlie looked at the Pronto's Pizza box.

"That's the place that called us," he said, pointing to the box. Jake stopped chewing what was in his mouth and looked at the box, confused. All he had done was switch accents. "That's a Nunzio's, right?" Jake shook his head.

"That's a Pronto's Pizza box, Charlie," Edward said.

"Oh, well, I'm here to say that if you get another complaint then you guys will have to go to jail," Charlie said and walked off. Rose turned to Emmett.

"This wouldn't have happened if we hadn't listened to you!" She yelled.

"Hey, hey, hey. No need to yell at him," Carlisle said. He picked up the phone and put in on the charger thing. "I think we should discontinue this…" he said. Everyone nodded. Nobody wanted to get arrested. Everyone returned to want they were doing before they had started the list.

**A/N: I'm sad to say that this is now over. Sorry, I lost inspiration…**


	25. List

A/N: Here is the list. I got it off of Google, just to clear some things up.

1,If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.

2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.

3. Use CB lingo where applicable.

4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.

7. Give them your address, exclaim, "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.

8. Answer their questions with questions.

9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.

10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.

11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.

13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."

15. Stutter on the letter "p."

16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)

17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.

18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.

19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.

21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.

23. Change your accent every three seconds.

24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.

25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"

26. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."

27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."

28. Rent a pizza.

29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.

30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

31. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "I" sound.

32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."

33. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"

34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.

35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

36. Imitate the order taker's voice.

37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.

38. When they say, "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."

39. Play a sitar in the background.

40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.

41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.

42. Ask to see a menu.

43. Quote Carl Sandberg.

44. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.

45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.

46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.

47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.

48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.

49. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"

50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"

51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.

52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.

53. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."

54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.

55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.

56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.

57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.

58. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."

59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.

60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."

61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.

62. Try to talk while drinking something.

63. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!"

64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.

65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.

66. Be vague in your order.

67. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."

68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.

69. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.

70. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."

71. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.

72. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.

73. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.

74. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.

75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.

76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.

77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.

78. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.

79. Put them on hold.

80. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.

81. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."

82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.

83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"

84. When you're given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."

85. Haggle.

86. Order a one-inch pizza.

87. Order term life insurance.

88. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"

89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.

90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.

91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.

92. Engage in some serious swapping.

93. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."

94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.

95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.

96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.

97. Order a steamed pizza.

98. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.

99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging. 

If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, 100. Say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."


End file.
